My hubby informed me that he had to finish his year-end report and that he'd be back late. It was due the next day and it had to be completed. The week before he was also finishing a report. And although I knew my hubby to be telling the truth, the devil in me got my imagination working overtime.
Immediately after putting down the phone, I was thinking, "Hmm, is he having an affair? Is this his way of easing in into an affair? First, it starts with working late into the wee hours of morning. And then later, he'll tell me he has to go outstation, and then probably he'll change jobs and work in a different state where he can lead a double life."
Oh oh oh, what a horrible imagination I've got. And this is not the first time. At one time, I remember that even the thought of him hanging out with his guy friends worried me coz some guys can go two-ways, if you get what I mean. And if you've watched Oprah, she did one exclusive episode on guys who went on the 'down low'. They claim they are not gay, yet their secret rendezvous was with other men, and doing it! And they are happily married guys here. That's why they don't feel like they are cheating on their wives. But the fact that they are hiding this secret lifestyle shows that subconsciously they know they are doing something not right here.
The point of this little admission here is that I think it's normal for women to have these fears and I have shared these thoughts with friends and they have the same concerns too. But the trick is according to my mom is not to confront the guy and talk about it because basically, it IS so far all in your mind. It's better to just observe your hubby if the late night working still continues. Notice how he dresses, how he smells, how he behaves etc.; does he talk a lot on the mobile phone? Ask yourself, "What is out of the ordinary?"
If you do harp on it and it happens, imagine what the guy would say, "I didn't do anything and yet still, you treated me as if I did with all the interrogation and stuff; so might as well do it!"
I know of a story of a lady who always used to tell her hubby, "If you don't like the way things are, go marry one more laa" and of course guys being guys took it literally guess what, he did and the young wife was half her age. They divorced, FYI. So, the moral of the story is that how one communicates is also important. And if it hasn't happened yet, don't treat it like it's happened already.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
Everybody Loves Raymond and lessons learnt
Did anyone watch Everybody Loves Raymond on Starworld last night? I so totally forgot about Project Runway which I have been following the last week, all because it's Monday. One whole night, I was bothered by this niggling feeling of 'what am I missing or forgetting?'. Well, for tonight, I've made a mental note to watch Grey's Anatomy and Project Runway. Last night I only caught the ending and Brad was kicked out. The moment I heard 'poor tailoring', I knew it was not going to be Robert.
Anyway, back to Everybody Loves Raymond, Mom and I have agreed that he wasn't an exemplary hubby. Debra looked haggard most of time either doing everything being the supermom she was, or because she was trying to knock some sense into Raymond's head.
Last night's episode was funny and it was about 'Dr. Raymond' forgetting to mention Debra in his thank you speech. Though Debra was hurt, she tried to be happy for him and not ruin his special day. But Amy picked up on it, got it out of her and told Raymond. Unfortunately, Robert overheard and boy, was he gleeful and now the family knew. Can't remember if it was Robert or his dad who suggested that they buried him in his robes!
Raymond apologizes to Debra but spoils the apology by trying to justify why he could have forgotten her. Because he was thanking people/ who had helped him/ at that time/ in college./ And obviously she wasn't one of them.
So now she didn't help at all? What was she doing when he was writing his speech if not to build up his confidence etc. etc.?
Yeah, she helped by cutting him down first then building him up; maybe, unconsciously, something in his brain prevented him from thanking her!
"Subconsciously, you mean," she corrected him, "unconsciously means you're asleep."
"I'm a stupid doctor!"
Oh God, so painful to watch him trying to pull both feet out of his mouth.
But okay, Raymond tries to redeem himself by thanking his wife in his column, and Debra was very happy, and it was indeed well written that if it hadn't been for Debra's smile, he wouldn't have had achieved one dream which enabled him to concentrate on his other dreams. But who should turn up but HIS MOTHER reminding him of her 19 hours of labour!
And his father, and Amy and Robert! Robert who felt that he should be credited for Raymond's success because he too had his own column, and this triggered competitiveness in Raymond to outdo him.
My husband was like, "the women in his life are kinda horrible."
Well, ya but he doesn't know how to handle them, and the way he tries to justify his actions always come out wrong because it's not his fault. Plus, he's short sighted. He handles one problem but creates another. But his saving grace is that he's trying. Nobody can fault a person for trying.
It also depends on the other person. You think you're being supportive but you might not be viewed that way. Finally, after so many years, I understood what might have gone wrong in one of my longest childhood frienships, from Std 5 since I knew her until graduating in uni. Somewhere along the way, I was not good enough anymore, and she preferred my friends and tried to exclude me out of her planning and activities. Everyone had a boyfriend but me. FYI, my hubby is my first love and I married him. I met him when I was 25. It was a whirlwind romance in that it happened so quickly and then we were married already. Interesting huh? But it wasn't love at first sight. I couldn't make up my mind if I liked his looks or not. But I love my hubby's sense of humour. Anyway, I had no boyfriends prior to that and I was happy being single. My mom was sooo worried though because everyone around me was getting married and to add salt to the wound, they were younger! So, to please her or rather to keep her quiet, I did go out on blind dates that well meaning friends tried to set up for me and somehow that gave me the courage to meet and accept my hubby.
Enough background story. Main point was I had no boyfriends, didn't have one before and wasn't looking for one. I'd always thought I'd end up with a more mature man, someone older, like my dad and my mom. So I never really looked at guys in college. My friends of course, had boyfriends and two in this group of 4 actually married the guys they were dating. And one of them was of course my oldest friend. (FYI, we're okay now, still in touch but the closeness is not really the same). Whenever she had problem with her guy and was unhappy, there I was, always on her side, saying that if he didn't know how to make her happy, then he wasn't worthy of her. And if he tried to make up with her and I see his effort, I said, "There you go, he's trying." Kinda like Meredith telling Izzy, "Good riddance!" when she caught whathisname with the nurse whatshername. But Izzy didn't see it as support. Support to Izzy was to be there for her through the pain, the way she, Izzy was there for Meredith when Meredith found out McDreamy or Sheppard was married. I mean, now I understand that this must be the what went wrong in our friendship, but my friend was the type who, if she felt hurt by you, would never tell you that you've hurt her. Instead she'd give you the silent treatment and lets you figure it out by yourself. And you're not a mindreader! That's why I always make it a point to make my dissatisfaction known before I give the silent treatment, if I give the silent treatment, which I don't usually.
And when she's okay with it, she acts like nothing happened. I must say it was a pretty confusing friendship for me. Maybe my other friends, being involved as well, consoled her better, I don't know. But I do understand now that maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I dunno if she's happy or sad or resigned with her choice of life partner but I wish her all the happiness in the world. Whatever I said that seemed to have hurt her so, I said with good intentions and only with her happiness in mind. If that destroyed the friendship, then I guess I was not accepted for who I was. And I can tell you the lesson that I learnt from my broken friendship was relationships are about give and take and you should accept people the way they are. If you feel that you have to walk around on eggshells, then you are not true to yourself and to that person.
Anyway, back to Everybody Loves Raymond, Mom and I have agreed that he wasn't an exemplary hubby. Debra looked haggard most of time either doing everything being the supermom she was, or because she was trying to knock some sense into Raymond's head.
Last night's episode was funny and it was about 'Dr. Raymond' forgetting to mention Debra in his thank you speech. Though Debra was hurt, she tried to be happy for him and not ruin his special day. But Amy picked up on it, got it out of her and told Raymond. Unfortunately, Robert overheard and boy, was he gleeful and now the family knew. Can't remember if it was Robert or his dad who suggested that they buried him in his robes!
Raymond apologizes to Debra but spoils the apology by trying to justify why he could have forgotten her. Because he was thanking people/ who had helped him/ at that time/ in college./ And obviously she wasn't one of them.
So now she didn't help at all? What was she doing when he was writing his speech if not to build up his confidence etc. etc.?
Yeah, she helped by cutting him down first then building him up; maybe, unconsciously, something in his brain prevented him from thanking her!
"Subconsciously, you mean," she corrected him, "unconsciously means you're asleep."
"I'm a stupid doctor!"
Oh God, so painful to watch him trying to pull both feet out of his mouth.
But okay, Raymond tries to redeem himself by thanking his wife in his column, and Debra was very happy, and it was indeed well written that if it hadn't been for Debra's smile, he wouldn't have had achieved one dream which enabled him to concentrate on his other dreams. But who should turn up but HIS MOTHER reminding him of her 19 hours of labour!
And his father, and Amy and Robert! Robert who felt that he should be credited for Raymond's success because he too had his own column, and this triggered competitiveness in Raymond to outdo him.
My husband was like, "the women in his life are kinda horrible."
Well, ya but he doesn't know how to handle them, and the way he tries to justify his actions always come out wrong because it's not his fault. Plus, he's short sighted. He handles one problem but creates another. But his saving grace is that he's trying. Nobody can fault a person for trying.
It also depends on the other person. You think you're being supportive but you might not be viewed that way. Finally, after so many years, I understood what might have gone wrong in one of my longest childhood frienships, from Std 5 since I knew her until graduating in uni. Somewhere along the way, I was not good enough anymore, and she preferred my friends and tried to exclude me out of her planning and activities. Everyone had a boyfriend but me. FYI, my hubby is my first love and I married him. I met him when I was 25. It was a whirlwind romance in that it happened so quickly and then we were married already. Interesting huh? But it wasn't love at first sight. I couldn't make up my mind if I liked his looks or not. But I love my hubby's sense of humour. Anyway, I had no boyfriends prior to that and I was happy being single. My mom was sooo worried though because everyone around me was getting married and to add salt to the wound, they were younger! So, to please her or rather to keep her quiet, I did go out on blind dates that well meaning friends tried to set up for me and somehow that gave me the courage to meet and accept my hubby.
Enough background story. Main point was I had no boyfriends, didn't have one before and wasn't looking for one. I'd always thought I'd end up with a more mature man, someone older, like my dad and my mom. So I never really looked at guys in college. My friends of course, had boyfriends and two in this group of 4 actually married the guys they were dating. And one of them was of course my oldest friend. (FYI, we're okay now, still in touch but the closeness is not really the same). Whenever she had problem with her guy and was unhappy, there I was, always on her side, saying that if he didn't know how to make her happy, then he wasn't worthy of her. And if he tried to make up with her and I see his effort, I said, "There you go, he's trying." Kinda like Meredith telling Izzy, "Good riddance!" when she caught whathisname with the nurse whatshername. But Izzy didn't see it as support. Support to Izzy was to be there for her through the pain, the way she, Izzy was there for Meredith when Meredith found out McDreamy or Sheppard was married. I mean, now I understand that this must be the what went wrong in our friendship, but my friend was the type who, if she felt hurt by you, would never tell you that you've hurt her. Instead she'd give you the silent treatment and lets you figure it out by yourself. And you're not a mindreader! That's why I always make it a point to make my dissatisfaction known before I give the silent treatment, if I give the silent treatment, which I don't usually.
And when she's okay with it, she acts like nothing happened. I must say it was a pretty confusing friendship for me. Maybe my other friends, being involved as well, consoled her better, I don't know. But I do understand now that maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I dunno if she's happy or sad or resigned with her choice of life partner but I wish her all the happiness in the world. Whatever I said that seemed to have hurt her so, I said with good intentions and only with her happiness in mind. If that destroyed the friendship, then I guess I was not accepted for who I was. And I can tell you the lesson that I learnt from my broken friendship was relationships are about give and take and you should accept people the way they are. If you feel that you have to walk around on eggshells, then you are not true to yourself and to that person.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Nobody's Perfect
My mother had an argument recently with my dad. Tongue in cheek, I said, "So old, still fight ah?" which translates "You're so old and you still fight?"
My mom said, "Hey, we're not dead yet; of course we still fight. Luckily your father knows how to pujuk (make up with) me. (Some details: not x-rated, just mushy and not important to the story)"
I said, "As you usually say laa, that's his saving grace."
"Well nobody's perfect," my mom answered, "if he doesn't have a saving grace, then what’s the point of staying married?”
I guess I have to agree with her that NOBODY'S PERFECT, and that's why I guess we just need someone who, and I quote Jerry Macguire, "completes me" or in other words complements me, rather than hunt the world for a MR PERFECT or MS PERFECT.
In fact, I would go as far as to say that one man's meat is another man's poison. I know it's cliche but it's true. Back in uni, I got 2 friends. Let's call one X and the other Y. Both are good friends of mine and both are nice people. And though they know each other and get along quite well with each other, they are simply acquaintances. Anyway, X dates Z and they broke up. Now X hates Z, hates the sight of Z, and well, basically you get the idea.
After some time, I don't know who pursued who but Y and Z become a couple, and while I only saw 2 people fighting in the first relationship, I saw 2 people in lurve in the second. I guess the second couple is more compatible.
For me, compatibility is not so much sharing the same interests as me, coz that would be boring but I think our VALUES have got to be similar. Ooh, let’s take MONEY for example. Imagine, if I spend money like water and the guy is a tightwad. We’re gonna have problems. BIG problems. See, the way we view MONEY would be different. We’re gonna be fighting all the time until somebody gives in. That’s why, there also has got to be give and take in the relationship and most importantly, COMMUNICATION. Meaning to say, I talk, you listen and you talk, I listen and we take note. Communication is the key to change. If we’re all talking and nobody’s registering, then, that wouldn’t be communication. OR nobody talks, you just keep it all suppressed until you can’t stand the sight, the voice, the smell of that person. Nothing he or she does is right anymore. It’s horrible!
Do you know who’s my favourite TV COUPLE?
Guess if they are the couple from
A. Mad about You
B. Everybody Loves Raymond
C. Home Improvement
D. King of Queens
E. My Wife and Kids
The answer is Tim the Toolman Taylor and his wife Jill from Home Improvement. Do you know why? He’s so totally not perfect and a klutz too! They do argue a lot but they try to reason out why the other is upset and come up with a solution, sometimes with the help from their neighbour, Wilson. And they are loving. Marriage is not a bed of roses without weeding and nurturing and watering. It’s hard work but worth it.
My mom said, "Hey, we're not dead yet; of course we still fight. Luckily your father knows how to pujuk (make up with) me. (Some details: not x-rated, just mushy and not important to the story)"
I said, "As you usually say laa, that's his saving grace."
"Well nobody's perfect," my mom answered, "if he doesn't have a saving grace, then what’s the point of staying married?”
I guess I have to agree with her that NOBODY'S PERFECT, and that's why I guess we just need someone who, and I quote Jerry Macguire, "completes me" or in other words complements me, rather than hunt the world for a MR PERFECT or MS PERFECT.
In fact, I would go as far as to say that one man's meat is another man's poison. I know it's cliche but it's true. Back in uni, I got 2 friends. Let's call one X and the other Y. Both are good friends of mine and both are nice people. And though they know each other and get along quite well with each other, they are simply acquaintances. Anyway, X dates Z and they broke up. Now X hates Z, hates the sight of Z, and well, basically you get the idea.
After some time, I don't know who pursued who but Y and Z become a couple, and while I only saw 2 people fighting in the first relationship, I saw 2 people in lurve in the second. I guess the second couple is more compatible.
For me, compatibility is not so much sharing the same interests as me, coz that would be boring but I think our VALUES have got to be similar. Ooh, let’s take MONEY for example. Imagine, if I spend money like water and the guy is a tightwad. We’re gonna have problems. BIG problems. See, the way we view MONEY would be different. We’re gonna be fighting all the time until somebody gives in. That’s why, there also has got to be give and take in the relationship and most importantly, COMMUNICATION. Meaning to say, I talk, you listen and you talk, I listen and we take note. Communication is the key to change. If we’re all talking and nobody’s registering, then, that wouldn’t be communication. OR nobody talks, you just keep it all suppressed until you can’t stand the sight, the voice, the smell of that person. Nothing he or she does is right anymore. It’s horrible!
Do you know who’s my favourite TV COUPLE?
Guess if they are the couple from
A. Mad about You
B. Everybody Loves Raymond
C. Home Improvement
D. King of Queens
E. My Wife and Kids
The answer is Tim the Toolman Taylor and his wife Jill from Home Improvement. Do you know why? He’s so totally not perfect and a klutz too! They do argue a lot but they try to reason out why the other is upset and come up with a solution, sometimes with the help from their neighbour, Wilson. And they are loving. Marriage is not a bed of roses without weeding and nurturing and watering. It’s hard work but worth it.
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