My hubby informed me that he had to finish his year-end report and that he'd be back late. It was due the next day and it had to be completed. The week before he was also finishing a report. And although I knew my hubby to be telling the truth, the devil in me got my imagination working overtime.
Immediately after putting down the phone, I was thinking, "Hmm, is he having an affair? Is this his way of easing in into an affair? First, it starts with working late into the wee hours of morning. And then later, he'll tell me he has to go outstation, and then probably he'll change jobs and work in a different state where he can lead a double life."
Oh oh oh, what a horrible imagination I've got. And this is not the first time. At one time, I remember that even the thought of him hanging out with his guy friends worried me coz some guys can go two-ways, if you get what I mean. And if you've watched Oprah, she did one exclusive episode on guys who went on the 'down low'. They claim they are not gay, yet their secret rendezvous was with other men, and doing it! And they are happily married guys here. That's why they don't feel like they are cheating on their wives. But the fact that they are hiding this secret lifestyle shows that subconsciously they know they are doing something not right here.
The point of this little admission here is that I think it's normal for women to have these fears and I have shared these thoughts with friends and they have the same concerns too. But the trick is according to my mom is not to confront the guy and talk about it because basically, it IS so far all in your mind. It's better to just observe your hubby if the late night working still continues. Notice how he dresses, how he smells, how he behaves etc.; does he talk a lot on the mobile phone? Ask yourself, "What is out of the ordinary?"
If you do harp on it and it happens, imagine what the guy would say, "I didn't do anything and yet still, you treated me as if I did with all the interrogation and stuff; so might as well do it!"
I know of a story of a lady who always used to tell her hubby, "If you don't like the way things are, go marry one more laa" and of course guys being guys took it literally guess what, he did and the young wife was half her age. They divorced, FYI. So, the moral of the story is that how one communicates is also important. And if it hasn't happened yet, don't treat it like it's happened already.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
Everybody Loves Raymond and lessons learnt
Did anyone watch Everybody Loves Raymond on Starworld last night? I so totally forgot about Project Runway which I have been following the last week, all because it's Monday. One whole night, I was bothered by this niggling feeling of 'what am I missing or forgetting?'. Well, for tonight, I've made a mental note to watch Grey's Anatomy and Project Runway. Last night I only caught the ending and Brad was kicked out. The moment I heard 'poor tailoring', I knew it was not going to be Robert.
Anyway, back to Everybody Loves Raymond, Mom and I have agreed that he wasn't an exemplary hubby. Debra looked haggard most of time either doing everything being the supermom she was, or because she was trying to knock some sense into Raymond's head.
Last night's episode was funny and it was about 'Dr. Raymond' forgetting to mention Debra in his thank you speech. Though Debra was hurt, she tried to be happy for him and not ruin his special day. But Amy picked up on it, got it out of her and told Raymond. Unfortunately, Robert overheard and boy, was he gleeful and now the family knew. Can't remember if it was Robert or his dad who suggested that they buried him in his robes!
Raymond apologizes to Debra but spoils the apology by trying to justify why he could have forgotten her. Because he was thanking people/ who had helped him/ at that time/ in college./ And obviously she wasn't one of them.
So now she didn't help at all? What was she doing when he was writing his speech if not to build up his confidence etc. etc.?
Yeah, she helped by cutting him down first then building him up; maybe, unconsciously, something in his brain prevented him from thanking her!
"Subconsciously, you mean," she corrected him, "unconsciously means you're asleep."
"I'm a stupid doctor!"
Oh God, so painful to watch him trying to pull both feet out of his mouth.
But okay, Raymond tries to redeem himself by thanking his wife in his column, and Debra was very happy, and it was indeed well written that if it hadn't been for Debra's smile, he wouldn't have had achieved one dream which enabled him to concentrate on his other dreams. But who should turn up but HIS MOTHER reminding him of her 19 hours of labour!
And his father, and Amy and Robert! Robert who felt that he should be credited for Raymond's success because he too had his own column, and this triggered competitiveness in Raymond to outdo him.
My husband was like, "the women in his life are kinda horrible."
Well, ya but he doesn't know how to handle them, and the way he tries to justify his actions always come out wrong because it's not his fault. Plus, he's short sighted. He handles one problem but creates another. But his saving grace is that he's trying. Nobody can fault a person for trying.
It also depends on the other person. You think you're being supportive but you might not be viewed that way. Finally, after so many years, I understood what might have gone wrong in one of my longest childhood frienships, from Std 5 since I knew her until graduating in uni. Somewhere along the way, I was not good enough anymore, and she preferred my friends and tried to exclude me out of her planning and activities. Everyone had a boyfriend but me. FYI, my hubby is my first love and I married him. I met him when I was 25. It was a whirlwind romance in that it happened so quickly and then we were married already. Interesting huh? But it wasn't love at first sight. I couldn't make up my mind if I liked his looks or not. But I love my hubby's sense of humour. Anyway, I had no boyfriends prior to that and I was happy being single. My mom was sooo worried though because everyone around me was getting married and to add salt to the wound, they were younger! So, to please her or rather to keep her quiet, I did go out on blind dates that well meaning friends tried to set up for me and somehow that gave me the courage to meet and accept my hubby.
Enough background story. Main point was I had no boyfriends, didn't have one before and wasn't looking for one. I'd always thought I'd end up with a more mature man, someone older, like my dad and my mom. So I never really looked at guys in college. My friends of course, had boyfriends and two in this group of 4 actually married the guys they were dating. And one of them was of course my oldest friend. (FYI, we're okay now, still in touch but the closeness is not really the same). Whenever she had problem with her guy and was unhappy, there I was, always on her side, saying that if he didn't know how to make her happy, then he wasn't worthy of her. And if he tried to make up with her and I see his effort, I said, "There you go, he's trying." Kinda like Meredith telling Izzy, "Good riddance!" when she caught whathisname with the nurse whatshername. But Izzy didn't see it as support. Support to Izzy was to be there for her through the pain, the way she, Izzy was there for Meredith when Meredith found out McDreamy or Sheppard was married. I mean, now I understand that this must be the what went wrong in our friendship, but my friend was the type who, if she felt hurt by you, would never tell you that you've hurt her. Instead she'd give you the silent treatment and lets you figure it out by yourself. And you're not a mindreader! That's why I always make it a point to make my dissatisfaction known before I give the silent treatment, if I give the silent treatment, which I don't usually.
And when she's okay with it, she acts like nothing happened. I must say it was a pretty confusing friendship for me. Maybe my other friends, being involved as well, consoled her better, I don't know. But I do understand now that maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I dunno if she's happy or sad or resigned with her choice of life partner but I wish her all the happiness in the world. Whatever I said that seemed to have hurt her so, I said with good intentions and only with her happiness in mind. If that destroyed the friendship, then I guess I was not accepted for who I was. And I can tell you the lesson that I learnt from my broken friendship was relationships are about give and take and you should accept people the way they are. If you feel that you have to walk around on eggshells, then you are not true to yourself and to that person.
Anyway, back to Everybody Loves Raymond, Mom and I have agreed that he wasn't an exemplary hubby. Debra looked haggard most of time either doing everything being the supermom she was, or because she was trying to knock some sense into Raymond's head.
Last night's episode was funny and it was about 'Dr. Raymond' forgetting to mention Debra in his thank you speech. Though Debra was hurt, she tried to be happy for him and not ruin his special day. But Amy picked up on it, got it out of her and told Raymond. Unfortunately, Robert overheard and boy, was he gleeful and now the family knew. Can't remember if it was Robert or his dad who suggested that they buried him in his robes!
Raymond apologizes to Debra but spoils the apology by trying to justify why he could have forgotten her. Because he was thanking people/ who had helped him/ at that time/ in college./ And obviously she wasn't one of them.
So now she didn't help at all? What was she doing when he was writing his speech if not to build up his confidence etc. etc.?
Yeah, she helped by cutting him down first then building him up; maybe, unconsciously, something in his brain prevented him from thanking her!
"Subconsciously, you mean," she corrected him, "unconsciously means you're asleep."
"I'm a stupid doctor!"
Oh God, so painful to watch him trying to pull both feet out of his mouth.
But okay, Raymond tries to redeem himself by thanking his wife in his column, and Debra was very happy, and it was indeed well written that if it hadn't been for Debra's smile, he wouldn't have had achieved one dream which enabled him to concentrate on his other dreams. But who should turn up but HIS MOTHER reminding him of her 19 hours of labour!
And his father, and Amy and Robert! Robert who felt that he should be credited for Raymond's success because he too had his own column, and this triggered competitiveness in Raymond to outdo him.
My husband was like, "the women in his life are kinda horrible."
Well, ya but he doesn't know how to handle them, and the way he tries to justify his actions always come out wrong because it's not his fault. Plus, he's short sighted. He handles one problem but creates another. But his saving grace is that he's trying. Nobody can fault a person for trying.
It also depends on the other person. You think you're being supportive but you might not be viewed that way. Finally, after so many years, I understood what might have gone wrong in one of my longest childhood frienships, from Std 5 since I knew her until graduating in uni. Somewhere along the way, I was not good enough anymore, and she preferred my friends and tried to exclude me out of her planning and activities. Everyone had a boyfriend but me. FYI, my hubby is my first love and I married him. I met him when I was 25. It was a whirlwind romance in that it happened so quickly and then we were married already. Interesting huh? But it wasn't love at first sight. I couldn't make up my mind if I liked his looks or not. But I love my hubby's sense of humour. Anyway, I had no boyfriends prior to that and I was happy being single. My mom was sooo worried though because everyone around me was getting married and to add salt to the wound, they were younger! So, to please her or rather to keep her quiet, I did go out on blind dates that well meaning friends tried to set up for me and somehow that gave me the courage to meet and accept my hubby.
Enough background story. Main point was I had no boyfriends, didn't have one before and wasn't looking for one. I'd always thought I'd end up with a more mature man, someone older, like my dad and my mom. So I never really looked at guys in college. My friends of course, had boyfriends and two in this group of 4 actually married the guys they were dating. And one of them was of course my oldest friend. (FYI, we're okay now, still in touch but the closeness is not really the same). Whenever she had problem with her guy and was unhappy, there I was, always on her side, saying that if he didn't know how to make her happy, then he wasn't worthy of her. And if he tried to make up with her and I see his effort, I said, "There you go, he's trying." Kinda like Meredith telling Izzy, "Good riddance!" when she caught whathisname with the nurse whatshername. But Izzy didn't see it as support. Support to Izzy was to be there for her through the pain, the way she, Izzy was there for Meredith when Meredith found out McDreamy or Sheppard was married. I mean, now I understand that this must be the what went wrong in our friendship, but my friend was the type who, if she felt hurt by you, would never tell you that you've hurt her. Instead she'd give you the silent treatment and lets you figure it out by yourself. And you're not a mindreader! That's why I always make it a point to make my dissatisfaction known before I give the silent treatment, if I give the silent treatment, which I don't usually.
And when she's okay with it, she acts like nothing happened. I must say it was a pretty confusing friendship for me. Maybe my other friends, being involved as well, consoled her better, I don't know. But I do understand now that maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I dunno if she's happy or sad or resigned with her choice of life partner but I wish her all the happiness in the world. Whatever I said that seemed to have hurt her so, I said with good intentions and only with her happiness in mind. If that destroyed the friendship, then I guess I was not accepted for who I was. And I can tell you the lesson that I learnt from my broken friendship was relationships are about give and take and you should accept people the way they are. If you feel that you have to walk around on eggshells, then you are not true to yourself and to that person.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Nobody's Perfect
My mother had an argument recently with my dad. Tongue in cheek, I said, "So old, still fight ah?" which translates "You're so old and you still fight?"
My mom said, "Hey, we're not dead yet; of course we still fight. Luckily your father knows how to pujuk (make up with) me. (Some details: not x-rated, just mushy and not important to the story)"
I said, "As you usually say laa, that's his saving grace."
"Well nobody's perfect," my mom answered, "if he doesn't have a saving grace, then what’s the point of staying married?”
I guess I have to agree with her that NOBODY'S PERFECT, and that's why I guess we just need someone who, and I quote Jerry Macguire, "completes me" or in other words complements me, rather than hunt the world for a MR PERFECT or MS PERFECT.
In fact, I would go as far as to say that one man's meat is another man's poison. I know it's cliche but it's true. Back in uni, I got 2 friends. Let's call one X and the other Y. Both are good friends of mine and both are nice people. And though they know each other and get along quite well with each other, they are simply acquaintances. Anyway, X dates Z and they broke up. Now X hates Z, hates the sight of Z, and well, basically you get the idea.
After some time, I don't know who pursued who but Y and Z become a couple, and while I only saw 2 people fighting in the first relationship, I saw 2 people in lurve in the second. I guess the second couple is more compatible.
For me, compatibility is not so much sharing the same interests as me, coz that would be boring but I think our VALUES have got to be similar. Ooh, let’s take MONEY for example. Imagine, if I spend money like water and the guy is a tightwad. We’re gonna have problems. BIG problems. See, the way we view MONEY would be different. We’re gonna be fighting all the time until somebody gives in. That’s why, there also has got to be give and take in the relationship and most importantly, COMMUNICATION. Meaning to say, I talk, you listen and you talk, I listen and we take note. Communication is the key to change. If we’re all talking and nobody’s registering, then, that wouldn’t be communication. OR nobody talks, you just keep it all suppressed until you can’t stand the sight, the voice, the smell of that person. Nothing he or she does is right anymore. It’s horrible!
Do you know who’s my favourite TV COUPLE?
Guess if they are the couple from
A. Mad about You
B. Everybody Loves Raymond
C. Home Improvement
D. King of Queens
E. My Wife and Kids
The answer is Tim the Toolman Taylor and his wife Jill from Home Improvement. Do you know why? He’s so totally not perfect and a klutz too! They do argue a lot but they try to reason out why the other is upset and come up with a solution, sometimes with the help from their neighbour, Wilson. And they are loving. Marriage is not a bed of roses without weeding and nurturing and watering. It’s hard work but worth it.
My mom said, "Hey, we're not dead yet; of course we still fight. Luckily your father knows how to pujuk (make up with) me. (Some details: not x-rated, just mushy and not important to the story)"
I said, "As you usually say laa, that's his saving grace."
"Well nobody's perfect," my mom answered, "if he doesn't have a saving grace, then what’s the point of staying married?”
I guess I have to agree with her that NOBODY'S PERFECT, and that's why I guess we just need someone who, and I quote Jerry Macguire, "completes me" or in other words complements me, rather than hunt the world for a MR PERFECT or MS PERFECT.
In fact, I would go as far as to say that one man's meat is another man's poison. I know it's cliche but it's true. Back in uni, I got 2 friends. Let's call one X and the other Y. Both are good friends of mine and both are nice people. And though they know each other and get along quite well with each other, they are simply acquaintances. Anyway, X dates Z and they broke up. Now X hates Z, hates the sight of Z, and well, basically you get the idea.
After some time, I don't know who pursued who but Y and Z become a couple, and while I only saw 2 people fighting in the first relationship, I saw 2 people in lurve in the second. I guess the second couple is more compatible.
For me, compatibility is not so much sharing the same interests as me, coz that would be boring but I think our VALUES have got to be similar. Ooh, let’s take MONEY for example. Imagine, if I spend money like water and the guy is a tightwad. We’re gonna have problems. BIG problems. See, the way we view MONEY would be different. We’re gonna be fighting all the time until somebody gives in. That’s why, there also has got to be give and take in the relationship and most importantly, COMMUNICATION. Meaning to say, I talk, you listen and you talk, I listen and we take note. Communication is the key to change. If we’re all talking and nobody’s registering, then, that wouldn’t be communication. OR nobody talks, you just keep it all suppressed until you can’t stand the sight, the voice, the smell of that person. Nothing he or she does is right anymore. It’s horrible!
Do you know who’s my favourite TV COUPLE?
Guess if they are the couple from
A. Mad about You
B. Everybody Loves Raymond
C. Home Improvement
D. King of Queens
E. My Wife and Kids
The answer is Tim the Toolman Taylor and his wife Jill from Home Improvement. Do you know why? He’s so totally not perfect and a klutz too! They do argue a lot but they try to reason out why the other is upset and come up with a solution, sometimes with the help from their neighbour, Wilson. And they are loving. Marriage is not a bed of roses without weeding and nurturing and watering. It’s hard work but worth it.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
ON FIGHTING or DOMESTIC ARGUMENT
Mom sez to never ever once allow your husband/ partner/ boyfriend to hit you. Once a man can do that and you allow it; the man will do it again. Never ever show the man that you are afraid of him. No matter how frightening a man can be, never take it all sitting down.
I have to say that I do take this to heart. And my husband, God bless his soul, has not ever hit me in anger although there was once when I did provoke him so very badly enough to injure. He stood there, hand raised, and it was as if time stood still. In my bravado, I said, "You dare hit me! You think I can't fight back?! and if you do hit me, don't expect me to stay around for more."
That is why Mom always stresses on education. She sez it's important that we have a good education and a job that if anything happens to our marriage, we don't need to depend on our husbands.
Which reminds me...Mom sez to only receive GOLD as presents: gold rings, gold bracelets, gold necklace....... Gold isn't only beautiful but it's also valuable and saleable and pawnable. Hence, if it doesn't work out, and in desperate moments, you have gold to fall back on. (Note, in our country though white gold is gaining popularity, it's not exactly worth it to buy white gold because there is no resale value. So by GOLD, I mean Midas Touch GOLD - the yellow one). However, all these is like contingency plans coz most importantly, is to get a good man or woman in the first place. As I've said before, Mom sez love is not blind! Observe. Ask questions. Answers can be revealing.
Before I married my husband, I asked him so many questions, even trivial ones like:
"After we're married, do I have to iron your clothes?"
Lord only knows how much I hate ironing. If I can avoid it, I would and to this day, after nearly 6 years of marriage, I only iron for my husband when he's in a hurry. Otherwise, he does his own ironing. My dad does his own as well.
"Can we eat out every day?"
Early on in our relationship, I did not reveal I liked cooking. Yeah, so what I like cooking? I'm not gonna be a slave to the kitchen! So he said well, it's okay to eat out every day but it'd be nice to eat in once in a while.
Anyway, early in our marriage, we had a small episode. We decided to eat in and while waiting for the food to reach the table, my hubby fell asleep and did not want to wake up. I got kinda pissy coz I put in all the effort only to eat alone. I put my foot down. I told him after the previous night, I don't want to cook anymore, not voluntarily that is. And he wants me to cook, he has to put in a request and if I don't feel like it, I won't be cooking.
"What are my responsibilities as a wife?"
I don't really like housework. I do it but I really wanted to know if I'm being married coz he wanted a live in maid.
"What are your responsibilities as a husband?"
I don't want to be a nagging wife and if he already knows what his responsibilities are, I don't have to nag.
"Can I work after we're married?"
Some husbands don't allow their wives to work after they are married. So I wanted to get that out of the way.
"Are we having any kids?"
I know of a woman who got divorced after some years of marriage coz the husband didn't want kids.
"What if our child scratches our car, would you whack the child?
It just so happened at that time a friend of mine was telling me about a case where a father beat his child very badly for scratching his car with a nail. I think he broke his son’s arm. I really can’t remember the details, so I’d better not try. But the point of the matter is, would he beat the child for scratching his car? And the answer was ‘No’ and as I got to know my husband, I’ll have to say that he’s not one of those guys who washes his car every morning and evening. He services the car and everything but that’s mainly it. No sports rims or those sporty stuff that some men like to put on the back of their cars, etc.
I also asked him about money issues, and in-law issues coz a lot of couples fight about such issues.
If you like the idea of asking questions but haven’t a clue about what to ask, you can get 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Leahy, Monica Mendez.
You can also read a review of the book posted by Floral Tan or read about it being discussed.
I have to say that I do take this to heart. And my husband, God bless his soul, has not ever hit me in anger although there was once when I did provoke him so very badly enough to injure. He stood there, hand raised, and it was as if time stood still. In my bravado, I said, "You dare hit me! You think I can't fight back?! and if you do hit me, don't expect me to stay around for more."
That is why Mom always stresses on education. She sez it's important that we have a good education and a job that if anything happens to our marriage, we don't need to depend on our husbands.
Which reminds me...Mom sez to only receive GOLD as presents: gold rings, gold bracelets, gold necklace....... Gold isn't only beautiful but it's also valuable and saleable and pawnable. Hence, if it doesn't work out, and in desperate moments, you have gold to fall back on. (Note, in our country though white gold is gaining popularity, it's not exactly worth it to buy white gold because there is no resale value. So by GOLD, I mean Midas Touch GOLD - the yellow one). However, all these is like contingency plans coz most importantly, is to get a good man or woman in the first place. As I've said before, Mom sez love is not blind! Observe. Ask questions. Answers can be revealing.
Before I married my husband, I asked him so many questions, even trivial ones like:
"After we're married, do I have to iron your clothes?"
Lord only knows how much I hate ironing. If I can avoid it, I would and to this day, after nearly 6 years of marriage, I only iron for my husband when he's in a hurry. Otherwise, he does his own ironing. My dad does his own as well.
"Can we eat out every day?"
Early on in our relationship, I did not reveal I liked cooking. Yeah, so what I like cooking? I'm not gonna be a slave to the kitchen! So he said well, it's okay to eat out every day but it'd be nice to eat in once in a while.
Anyway, early in our marriage, we had a small episode. We decided to eat in and while waiting for the food to reach the table, my hubby fell asleep and did not want to wake up. I got kinda pissy coz I put in all the effort only to eat alone. I put my foot down. I told him after the previous night, I don't want to cook anymore, not voluntarily that is. And he wants me to cook, he has to put in a request and if I don't feel like it, I won't be cooking.
"What are my responsibilities as a wife?"
I don't really like housework. I do it but I really wanted to know if I'm being married coz he wanted a live in maid.
"What are your responsibilities as a husband?"
I don't want to be a nagging wife and if he already knows what his responsibilities are, I don't have to nag.
"Can I work after we're married?"
Some husbands don't allow their wives to work after they are married. So I wanted to get that out of the way.
"Are we having any kids?"
I know of a woman who got divorced after some years of marriage coz the husband didn't want kids.
"What if our child scratches our car, would you whack the child?
It just so happened at that time a friend of mine was telling me about a case where a father beat his child very badly for scratching his car with a nail. I think he broke his son’s arm. I really can’t remember the details, so I’d better not try. But the point of the matter is, would he beat the child for scratching his car? And the answer was ‘No’ and as I got to know my husband, I’ll have to say that he’s not one of those guys who washes his car every morning and evening. He services the car and everything but that’s mainly it. No sports rims or those sporty stuff that some men like to put on the back of their cars, etc.
I also asked him about money issues, and in-law issues coz a lot of couples fight about such issues.
If you like the idea of asking questions but haven’t a clue about what to ask, you can get 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Leahy, Monica Mendez.
You can also read a review of the book posted by Floral Tan or read about it being discussed.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Mom's Advice
Here's how it works. Mom's advice always comes when we are watching TV or she's reading the news or when she get some interesting stories from magazines or friends. I have to strongly state that my Mom is no gossip. And she'd tell us about some of it so that we learn from it.
Here's a situation:
Husband works away/ abroad. Husband is not in fine shape but every weekend, husband wants to come home. Wife dissuades husband, thinking of his health. It's okay. You don't have to come home. After some time, husband stops asking. Husband apparently married another in the country he works at.
Moral of the story: If husband wants to come home, let him come home. If husband invites wife to go abroad or holiday with him, go! If not, he wouldn't ask.
I don't know. I remember someone talking about a lady who'd follow her husband wherever he went as if it was a crime. I was like, I don't see anything wrong with that. It's when the husband doesn't ask to follow, it becomes suspicious. I remember reading an article (dun remember if it's a magazine or newspaper article) but this lady's husband would go for holiday with his buddies and apparently, he frequents prostitutes and the wife felt so betrayed when she found out that his trips were anything but innocent.
Mom always said that when you find a husband, don't find one who's nice to you and every other woman. If he can be nice to you, he can be equally nice to other women.
Mom also said don't marry men who are jealous all the time. You know, overpossessive. Some women may think it's an ego booster to have a man be jealous. But later, they'll live to regret it. I don't know. I always seem to attract people to come to me with their problems, even with strangers, on buses! I don't know if it's because I'm a good listener which I may be but close friends like to say it's because I'm not judgemental. Maybe, that's true coz I always believe that there's two sides to every coin.
Anyway, I met a young girl on a bus and when she found out I had a long distance marriage at that time asked me how I coped with it and I said that it's tough but managable. When my husband can't come back for the weekend, I'd go to him. My mom didn't trust me to take two kids on the bus, and all their baggage, so I'd go alone.
Then she got to telling me about her fiance. I congratulated her. She however was having doubts. She was not happy with him because he was possessive. When she came home from work, she's not allowed to leave her flat to go down to nearby restaurants to get her dinner and if she did so without his knowledge, he'd find out about it coz some of his friends live nearby and report on her. He thinks that she likes to go out and I asked if that was true and she said, 'Yes'. So were his fears or worries valid? Some might think he's a good and caring fiance and takes good care of her but she begged to differ. She couldn't be in contact with any of her friends from college or school but it was okay for him to still be in contact with his old friends. She was not allowed to wear certain clothes and so on. So should I say? I told her to think about it. Was she happy? Did she tell him that she was not happy with the way he treated her? YES. Were there changes? NO. Apparently, she had tried to break up with him many times but he didn't want to let her go. Oh dear.
So moral of the story: Yes, sometimes, it's nice to have a guy feel jealous but let it be for all the right reasons.
Here's a situation:
Husband works away/ abroad. Husband is not in fine shape but every weekend, husband wants to come home. Wife dissuades husband, thinking of his health. It's okay. You don't have to come home. After some time, husband stops asking. Husband apparently married another in the country he works at.
Moral of the story: If husband wants to come home, let him come home. If husband invites wife to go abroad or holiday with him, go! If not, he wouldn't ask.
I don't know. I remember someone talking about a lady who'd follow her husband wherever he went as if it was a crime. I was like, I don't see anything wrong with that. It's when the husband doesn't ask to follow, it becomes suspicious. I remember reading an article (dun remember if it's a magazine or newspaper article) but this lady's husband would go for holiday with his buddies and apparently, he frequents prostitutes and the wife felt so betrayed when she found out that his trips were anything but innocent.
Mom always said that when you find a husband, don't find one who's nice to you and every other woman. If he can be nice to you, he can be equally nice to other women.
Mom also said don't marry men who are jealous all the time. You know, overpossessive. Some women may think it's an ego booster to have a man be jealous. But later, they'll live to regret it. I don't know. I always seem to attract people to come to me with their problems, even with strangers, on buses! I don't know if it's because I'm a good listener which I may be but close friends like to say it's because I'm not judgemental. Maybe, that's true coz I always believe that there's two sides to every coin.
Anyway, I met a young girl on a bus and when she found out I had a long distance marriage at that time asked me how I coped with it and I said that it's tough but managable. When my husband can't come back for the weekend, I'd go to him. My mom didn't trust me to take two kids on the bus, and all their baggage, so I'd go alone.
Then she got to telling me about her fiance. I congratulated her. She however was having doubts. She was not happy with him because he was possessive. When she came home from work, she's not allowed to leave her flat to go down to nearby restaurants to get her dinner and if she did so without his knowledge, he'd find out about it coz some of his friends live nearby and report on her. He thinks that she likes to go out and I asked if that was true and she said, 'Yes'. So were his fears or worries valid? Some might think he's a good and caring fiance and takes good care of her but she begged to differ. She couldn't be in contact with any of her friends from college or school but it was okay for him to still be in contact with his old friends. She was not allowed to wear certain clothes and so on. So should I say? I told her to think about it. Was she happy? Did she tell him that she was not happy with the way he treated her? YES. Were there changes? NO. Apparently, she had tried to break up with him many times but he didn't want to let her go. Oh dear.
So moral of the story: Yes, sometimes, it's nice to have a guy feel jealous but let it be for all the right reasons.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
On Marriage
"Don't ever marry because you feel obligated to."
For example, you've dated A for as long as you can remember. A proposes and you say, "yes" because you feel that you've invested so much time and emotions already! Mom gave example of neighbours who dated 14 years, got married and divorved after 3 months! What a waste! which brings us to Mom's next pearls of wisdom:
"Don't marry out of pity, or that he loves you more etc."
For example, you've dated A for as long as you can remember. A proposes and you say, "yes" because you feel that you've invested so much time and emotions already! Mom gave example of neighbours who dated 14 years, got married and divorved after 3 months! What a waste! which brings us to Mom's next pearls of wisdom:
"Don't marry out of pity, or that he loves you more etc."
On Parenting
"Mom and Dad should always be a united front."
"Don't let your child be the boss of you."
I've seen the way a baby who was about a year old plus manipulate her mom: Mom leaves baby with grandma to go for a haircut. Baby cries a little when Mom leaves but starts playing and is happy until the moment she sees Mom at the gate. She starts crying and throwing a tantrum by trying to hit her head on the floor. Wow! She was perfectly fine before. I am not saying that the Mommy should ignore the child and not carry her but the point I am trying to make is that some toddlers are good at working their mommy.
This advice is particularly true for when you go shopping and your child wants some item you
a. can't afford to buy OR
b. don't want to buy
and your child begins to cry his/her head off. What do you do? If you buy the item, your child will learn that he/she can control you by crying his/her head off.
My mom says to let him or her cry, just ignore the cries. The cries will stop after some time. The child can't cry forever. Or you can distract the child with something you do want to buy and is better for the child. Explain, if the child can understand. Tell him/her that everyone is looking at him/her, saying/thinking, "Pity the Mommy and Daddy to have a naughty boy/girl like that"
"Explain."
If you've scolded your child or punished him/her, always hug your child later and explain why he/she was punished. Always check if the child understands, that let your child know that you love him/her.
"Don't let your child be the boss of you."
I've seen the way a baby who was about a year old plus manipulate her mom: Mom leaves baby with grandma to go for a haircut. Baby cries a little when Mom leaves but starts playing and is happy until the moment she sees Mom at the gate. She starts crying and throwing a tantrum by trying to hit her head on the floor. Wow! She was perfectly fine before. I am not saying that the Mommy should ignore the child and not carry her but the point I am trying to make is that some toddlers are good at working their mommy.
This advice is particularly true for when you go shopping and your child wants some item you
a. can't afford to buy OR
b. don't want to buy
and your child begins to cry his/her head off. What do you do? If you buy the item, your child will learn that he/she can control you by crying his/her head off.
My mom says to let him or her cry, just ignore the cries. The cries will stop after some time. The child can't cry forever. Or you can distract the child with something you do want to buy and is better for the child. Explain, if the child can understand. Tell him/her that everyone is looking at him/her, saying/thinking, "Pity the Mommy and Daddy to have a naughty boy/girl like that"
"Explain."
If you've scolded your child or punished him/her, always hug your child later and explain why he/she was punished. Always check if the child understands, that let your child know that you love him/her.
On Courtship
"If you are not happy during courtship, what makes you think you'll be happy when you're married."
"Love is NEVER blind, it's YOU who has chosen NOT to see."
"Don't judge a man based on how he treats you during courtship. If you want to know what a man/ person is really like, observes how he treats the waiter, or waitress or beggars, his parents, his siblings, friends, etc."
"You cannot change a man...unless HE wants to change."
"Love is NEVER blind, it's YOU who has chosen NOT to see."
"Don't judge a man based on how he treats you during courtship. If you want to know what a man/ person is really like, observes how he treats the waiter, or waitress or beggars, his parents, his siblings, friends, etc."
"You cannot change a man...unless HE wants to change."
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